The Worst Gigs I’ve Been To

I’ve been blessed to have been to some bad gigs. To me, this is a blessing because I might have been to none, had things gone the way they were supposed to early on. Some of the remarkably bad gigs are now faded in memory, like the one my friend Dima and I went on April 1 of some year between 1986 and 1990 in Nizhny Novgorod, which would have been in the Philharmonic Hall in the NN Kremlin. The concert was a compilation of stand up performances in the classical Soviet monologue format delivered by TV people from Vzglyad and a performance by the band Okno, who were famous for a brief moment. However bad the whole thing was, it did not feel like that at the time. There were jokes about police packing a Japanese filming crew believing they were Kazakh, the funny bit contained in the firm Soviet belief that arresting Kazakhstanis was okay (they were us, Soviets) and arresting Japanese was unthinkable (they were them, not us). I believe, there were anecdotes about Nikita Bogoslovsky – or it may have been himself – one being the story of him playing a piano hoisted to the fifth floor and causing a panic attack from the target attempting a morning tea. And then Okno came to play their set that now looks charmingly bad. Charming because I was 15 or 16 at the time and bad because it was simply horrible. But then we walked out into the night and walked all along the embankment in the softest snow that had covered everything and kept on falling. Well worth it, it was.

Same venue hosted a truly monstrous performance by Sergey Manukian, billed as a fantastic jazz pianist. I swear this was the only performance ever where every note was wrong and misplaced. I escaped as soon as the intermission was announced.

The champion of misplaced everything was Patti Smith, performing in Geneva in a small very bourgeois theatre. This was the strangest experience. She came armed with a book and a son. Half of the performance was her reading her novel Just Kids and whenever her reading was not fluent she found nothing better than to state that “Bob Dylan fucks up his lyrics all the time” as if Dylan had any responsibility for her not being able to read. Then the son played the acoustic guitar and she sang a handful of hits with the mandatory Because the Night. And then she concluded with Power to the People, complete with her shaking her fist in solidarity with the people who had no power at the people who actually had the power and on average carried 20 kilos of extra weight and whose cumulative wealth could feed all of the African continent for years. These people had the power already.